A Change in Perspective

I have been dreading the month of April… for MONTHS. It kind of feels like January through March has been this huge build up of unsustainable activities… and it all culminates in ONE month. In April alone – we have 1 school field, 1 youth group field trip, 2 birthdays, an anniversary, a cheer competition showcase, sports tryouts, doctor's appointments, sports practices, and a national cheer competition out of state… and of course tax bills are rolling in. It’s all just too much… and as I penciled each of these things into our calendar over the past several months, anxiety just grew and grew. So coming out of March, staring April straight in the face… I’m in full blown panic mode. Our jobs are already both overwhelming, stretched to the max and running over with responsibilities, overdue deadlines, not enough hours in the day to get it all done, insanity! And through all of the busyness we have tackled since January 1^st, I’ve still had it in the back of my mind and voiced more times than I’d like to count… “April is going to be awful. I don’t know how we are going to make all of this work. I can’t wait for all of this to be over…” and, well, you get the point. So here we are, 4 days out from D-Day… and I am FREAKING OUT. Nevermind the fact that we will be celebrating our daughter’s cheer season, our 18^th wedding anniversary, my 40^th birthday and my dad’s 65^th birthday (which is a miracle in and of itself)… all I can focus on is the negative.

And isn’t that where the enemy wants us… so caught up in the STUFF, the busyness, the stress, that we miss out on the biggest blessings right in front of us. Like 18 years of hard fought seasons of marriage… 18 years of joy, hardship, overcoming, grace, patience and faithfulness. Like 40 years of a life I have been granted the privilege every morning of living, that’s so full of the blessings of God that I can’t even keep count. Like 65 years of a father’s life of wisdom, jokes, heart to heart talks and overcoming obstacles. Shouldn’t those 3 things alone take the stage from the chaos and uncertainty that may or may not even happen. Why is it so easy to focus on the struggle, on the uncertainty, on the trying seasons, and so hard to take hold of the blessings, the infinite reasons of speaking gratitude, that happen in our lives every single day. Why do I let my mind go to the dark places of fear and depression when the sun is shining, there’s a roof over our head, and 4 heartbeats still inside our home. Why do I focus so much on what COULD go wrong rather than the hard TRUTH that God is sufficient to supply all of our needs, He’s faithful and WILL NOT FORSAKE US… that He’s already working this thing out to our good. He’s God, He’s not a liar and His Word tells me these things – WHY is it so hard for me to live that out and so easy to cling to the lie that “we can’t do this… this going to be too hard, etc.”.

Why… because peace lives in the truth and chaos lives in the lie, and the enemy is the father of chaos and if he can convince us to live there long enough, joy, peace, a sound mind… all the GOOD, all the TRUTH, will eventually be sacrificed at the altar of “But, God??” instead of “But, GOD!”.

So today, in the midst of my worry, and anxiety of what COULD be… I will rest in the promise of what IS. God is good. God is faithful. God sees the next several weeks and He’s already worked things out for our good. God is sufficient. He’s Jehovah-Jireh, my provider, my strength, my joy, my rock, my salvation. And no lie from the pit of hell can stand against the Truth of God. So today, 4 days out from D-day, I’ll look at this upcoming month with gratitude for all of the blessings and opportunities that have come our way. And I don’t know how (because I don’t NEED to know how) – but God WILL work it out. He will make a way. I will not be a victim and let the enemy take the joy out of all I have to be grateful for. I will get up each morning, thank God for another day, lay it at His feet, open my heart, mind and ears and follow His lead. The month of April is going to be AMAZING. 

I Know He Will...

    Hard – that’s really the most comprehensive word I can find to describe this season of life I am finding myself in. Everything is just hard… I told someone recently that we were in the monsoon season of ‘when it rains it pours’… I laughed, the kind of laugh you use to keep from bursting out in tears. Truth be told – I’ve cried so many tears over the past 6 months… I’m not sure there are any tears left to cry.

    I lived in complete oblivious bliss in the years leading up to this point in time. Even living on the verge of vanity, pride, greed… and a lot of other adjectives I would have never imagined using to describe myself but that’s where a life of complacency, ignorance and even sin had brought me too. I’ve often heard that trials, the ‘fires’ of life, are meant to refine us, to draw out the impurities and make us in right standing with our creator. Boy am I embarrassed to admit the ‘impurities’ I have purged since mid-September.

    I realize now – that I had become a shell of a person, someone I didn’t recognize and wasn’t particularly proud of. I had abandoned everything that made me whole, that brought me joy… and traded it for a superficial façade that appeared happy and put together on the outside but was soul sick on the inside. I wasn’t just falling short of being the mom and wife I wanted to be, I was falling short as a friend, as a boss, as a daughter, as a person… so it didn’t take long for the storms of life to hit, and completely derail me spiritually, mentally and physically.

    Early September brought a family crisis with one of our daughters that completely blindsided us… in reality, discernment was telling me something was wrong, but, as I had become accustomed to, I ignored the promptings of the Holy Spirit and moved on with life – while my child suffered in silence for nearly 4 months. I had failed as her protector, as someone she could trust… as a spiritual leader for her. Three short weeks after that, an ER visit led my dad to a 2-month long stay in the CVTICU in Chapel Hill, NC – and nearly 40 days on a ventilator. It has been an uphill battle against hospital policies, rehab facilities, insurance companies, set-backs, etc., ever since. Shortly after that I started to experience my own health issues and depression and anxiety attacked my spirit like never before. I, the strong one, the one that never doubted God before… found herself standing in the shower, screaming out to God in anger, “WHERE ARE YOU?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!!” My marriage took a hit, and so did every other relationship in my life. My mental state spread like a disease in our household, ultimately infecting everyone else… and our home had suddenly turned in to a house where misery lived. Other demons we were facing as a family made certain, there would be no joy and peace in the Collins house.

    It didn’t take long before all of these life distractions, and various other issues hit our business – bringing on a whole new level of panic, worry and stress that I have never felt before. I was being crushed by the burdens of this world… and I couldn’t even bring myself to do the very thing that COULD bring me peace. Instead of laying my burdens at the feet of Jesus, I picked them up – strapped them on my back and was determined to destroy myself attempting to carry them on my own. It’s been a very lonely place to live. I’ve had more than my fair share of mental breakdowns… I’ve worried my family. I’ve had days where I couldn’t pull myself out of the bed. I’ve had days where I cried from the moment I woke up to the moment I finally exhausted myself just enough to sleep for 2 hours, and then woke up and did it again, the next day. I lost nearly 30 pounds as anxiety and worry stole my appetite and my peace. I spent 10+ hours a day searching for answers online, in FB groups, though Instagram hashtags… desperate to find someone that was struggling like me, and found a way to make it through. I exhausted myself looking for answers, attempting to take control of an uncontrollable situation… all the while ignoring the ONE thing I knew I needed to do, to find peace… but a part of me was so scared that God really had abandoned me, that He really wasn’t going to answer my prayers, wasn’t going to throw me a life line… that I had become the 1 in 99 that He decided just wasn’t worth pursuing…that I didn’t call on Him because I couldn’t bear the thought of being abandoned by Him too. My faith was gone.

    Everything came to a head and hit an all-time high of BAD in early January. Two weeks later I found myself in the urgent care and subsequently the ER, dehydrated, malnourished, and in excruciating pain as the stress had completely overtaken me. I felt like I was going to die… for the first time in my life, I WANTED to die. It would at least put me out of my misery and my family out of the job of having to share that misery with me. That was the turning point… I knew I could not go on like that for another day. My entire life had been completely interrupted by the no good, very bad days anxiety and worry were bringing me. This month I saw the darkest hours of my life. Those darkest hours are also the catalyst for my rebirth. When I was at my lowest… when the darkness was so thick I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face… God started shining a light.

    I started pouring out my heart on social media. Probably not the best avenue, but I was desperate for prayer, even when I couldn’t find it in me to pray for myself. A friend commented on one of those posts and said the Lord was telling her ‘my pen was being restored’… it was confirmation to me that God was rewriting this story of heartache and despair. It was the sign I needed to finally believe that even though I couldn’t see evidence of it right now… God was moving on my behalf… He was taking what the enemy meant for evil and He was going to somehow, someway, use it for good. I had no choice but to believe that… I had to hold onto the hope that better days were coming, that a victory was on the horizon, because I could no longer live with the anguish of thinking anything else.

    I slowly started leaning in to the things that I know make my soul happy… my daily quiet time with Jesus, serving my family, slowing down and not letting the busyness of our life dictate every detail of my day. It’s helping. For the first time since September 2^nd – I felt true peace last week. I woke up one day, and the worry and anxiety was gone. I try to savor each morning I wake up with that peace in place of panic. I know my struggle and this journey isn’t over. Honestly, nothing about our situation or circumstances has changed to make me ‘feel better’ about it… but GOD… I wish I could say I have fully surrendered – I haven’t. I’m trying.

    Hard! Yes, life is hard. Being a Christian does not magically make the ‘bad’ of this world disappear. In fact – as a Christian, our walk is often harder than that of the non-believer. We wake up each day fighting an adversary that is determined to kill, steal from and destroy us. But as I’m learning… we also get the choice each day to fight that battle alone… or to allow the creator of this universe, the ultimate victor, fight this battle with us. I know there are still hard, dark days ahead. But I’m not going to keep trying to walk this road and navigate these storms, alone. And you shouldn’t either. Thank God His mercies are new every morning. I’m praying for you today, friend. Whatever season you find yourself in… don’t weather it alone. Strip off those burdens, lay them at the feet of Jesus, and trust that His ways are higher than our ways. In the words of the praise and worship song that has been on repeat and carried me through many stormy nights… I don’t know how He’ll make a way… but I know He will… for you and for me.