A Change in Perspective

I have been dreading the month of April… for MONTHS. It kind of feels like January through March has been this huge build up of unsustainable activities… and it all culminates in ONE month. In April alone – we have 1 school field, 1 youth group field trip, 2 birthdays, an anniversary, a cheer competition showcase, sports tryouts, doctor's appointments, sports practices, and a national cheer competition out of state… and of course tax bills are rolling in. It’s all just too much… and as I penciled each of these things into our calendar over the past several months, anxiety just grew and grew. So coming out of March, staring April straight in the face… I’m in full blown panic mode. Our jobs are already both overwhelming, stretched to the max and running over with responsibilities, overdue deadlines, not enough hours in the day to get it all done, insanity! And through all of the busyness we have tackled since January 1^st, I’ve still had it in the back of my mind and voiced more times than I’d like to count… “April is going to be awful. I don’t know how we are going to make all of this work. I can’t wait for all of this to be over…” and, well, you get the point. So here we are, 4 days out from D-Day… and I am FREAKING OUT. Nevermind the fact that we will be celebrating our daughter’s cheer season, our 18^th wedding anniversary, my 40^th birthday and my dad’s 65^th birthday (which is a miracle in and of itself)… all I can focus on is the negative.

And isn’t that where the enemy wants us… so caught up in the STUFF, the busyness, the stress, that we miss out on the biggest blessings right in front of us. Like 18 years of hard fought seasons of marriage… 18 years of joy, hardship, overcoming, grace, patience and faithfulness. Like 40 years of a life I have been granted the privilege every morning of living, that’s so full of the blessings of God that I can’t even keep count. Like 65 years of a father’s life of wisdom, jokes, heart to heart talks and overcoming obstacles. Shouldn’t those 3 things alone take the stage from the chaos and uncertainty that may or may not even happen. Why is it so easy to focus on the struggle, on the uncertainty, on the trying seasons, and so hard to take hold of the blessings, the infinite reasons of speaking gratitude, that happen in our lives every single day. Why do I let my mind go to the dark places of fear and depression when the sun is shining, there’s a roof over our head, and 4 heartbeats still inside our home. Why do I focus so much on what COULD go wrong rather than the hard TRUTH that God is sufficient to supply all of our needs, He’s faithful and WILL NOT FORSAKE US… that He’s already working this thing out to our good. He’s God, He’s not a liar and His Word tells me these things – WHY is it so hard for me to live that out and so easy to cling to the lie that “we can’t do this… this going to be too hard, etc.”.

Why… because peace lives in the truth and chaos lives in the lie, and the enemy is the father of chaos and if he can convince us to live there long enough, joy, peace, a sound mind… all the GOOD, all the TRUTH, will eventually be sacrificed at the altar of “But, God??” instead of “But, GOD!”.

So today, in the midst of my worry, and anxiety of what COULD be… I will rest in the promise of what IS. God is good. God is faithful. God sees the next several weeks and He’s already worked things out for our good. God is sufficient. He’s Jehovah-Jireh, my provider, my strength, my joy, my rock, my salvation. And no lie from the pit of hell can stand against the Truth of God. So today, 4 days out from D-day, I’ll look at this upcoming month with gratitude for all of the blessings and opportunities that have come our way. And I don’t know how (because I don’t NEED to know how) – but God WILL work it out. He will make a way. I will not be a victim and let the enemy take the joy out of all I have to be grateful for. I will get up each morning, thank God for another day, lay it at His feet, open my heart, mind and ears and follow His lead. The month of April is going to be AMAZING. 

I Know He Will...

    Hard – that’s really the most comprehensive word I can find to describe this season of life I am finding myself in. Everything is just hard… I told someone recently that we were in the monsoon season of ‘when it rains it pours’… I laughed, the kind of laugh you use to keep from bursting out in tears. Truth be told – I’ve cried so many tears over the past 6 months… I’m not sure there are any tears left to cry.

    I lived in complete oblivious bliss in the years leading up to this point in time. Even living on the verge of vanity, pride, greed… and a lot of other adjectives I would have never imagined using to describe myself but that’s where a life of complacency, ignorance and even sin had brought me too. I’ve often heard that trials, the ‘fires’ of life, are meant to refine us, to draw out the impurities and make us in right standing with our creator. Boy am I embarrassed to admit the ‘impurities’ I have purged since mid-September.

    I realize now – that I had become a shell of a person, someone I didn’t recognize and wasn’t particularly proud of. I had abandoned everything that made me whole, that brought me joy… and traded it for a superficial façade that appeared happy and put together on the outside but was soul sick on the inside. I wasn’t just falling short of being the mom and wife I wanted to be, I was falling short as a friend, as a boss, as a daughter, as a person… so it didn’t take long for the storms of life to hit, and completely derail me spiritually, mentally and physically.

    Early September brought a family crisis with one of our daughters that completely blindsided us… in reality, discernment was telling me something was wrong, but, as I had become accustomed to, I ignored the promptings of the Holy Spirit and moved on with life – while my child suffered in silence for nearly 4 months. I had failed as her protector, as someone she could trust… as a spiritual leader for her. Three short weeks after that, an ER visit led my dad to a 2-month long stay in the CVTICU in Chapel Hill, NC – and nearly 40 days on a ventilator. It has been an uphill battle against hospital policies, rehab facilities, insurance companies, set-backs, etc., ever since. Shortly after that I started to experience my own health issues and depression and anxiety attacked my spirit like never before. I, the strong one, the one that never doubted God before… found herself standing in the shower, screaming out to God in anger, “WHERE ARE YOU?! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!!” My marriage took a hit, and so did every other relationship in my life. My mental state spread like a disease in our household, ultimately infecting everyone else… and our home had suddenly turned in to a house where misery lived. Other demons we were facing as a family made certain, there would be no joy and peace in the Collins house.

    It didn’t take long before all of these life distractions, and various other issues hit our business – bringing on a whole new level of panic, worry and stress that I have never felt before. I was being crushed by the burdens of this world… and I couldn’t even bring myself to do the very thing that COULD bring me peace. Instead of laying my burdens at the feet of Jesus, I picked them up – strapped them on my back and was determined to destroy myself attempting to carry them on my own. It’s been a very lonely place to live. I’ve had more than my fair share of mental breakdowns… I’ve worried my family. I’ve had days where I couldn’t pull myself out of the bed. I’ve had days where I cried from the moment I woke up to the moment I finally exhausted myself just enough to sleep for 2 hours, and then woke up and did it again, the next day. I lost nearly 30 pounds as anxiety and worry stole my appetite and my peace. I spent 10+ hours a day searching for answers online, in FB groups, though Instagram hashtags… desperate to find someone that was struggling like me, and found a way to make it through. I exhausted myself looking for answers, attempting to take control of an uncontrollable situation… all the while ignoring the ONE thing I knew I needed to do, to find peace… but a part of me was so scared that God really had abandoned me, that He really wasn’t going to answer my prayers, wasn’t going to throw me a life line… that I had become the 1 in 99 that He decided just wasn’t worth pursuing…that I didn’t call on Him because I couldn’t bear the thought of being abandoned by Him too. My faith was gone.

    Everything came to a head and hit an all-time high of BAD in early January. Two weeks later I found myself in the urgent care and subsequently the ER, dehydrated, malnourished, and in excruciating pain as the stress had completely overtaken me. I felt like I was going to die… for the first time in my life, I WANTED to die. It would at least put me out of my misery and my family out of the job of having to share that misery with me. That was the turning point… I knew I could not go on like that for another day. My entire life had been completely interrupted by the no good, very bad days anxiety and worry were bringing me. This month I saw the darkest hours of my life. Those darkest hours are also the catalyst for my rebirth. When I was at my lowest… when the darkness was so thick I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face… God started shining a light.

    I started pouring out my heart on social media. Probably not the best avenue, but I was desperate for prayer, even when I couldn’t find it in me to pray for myself. A friend commented on one of those posts and said the Lord was telling her ‘my pen was being restored’… it was confirmation to me that God was rewriting this story of heartache and despair. It was the sign I needed to finally believe that even though I couldn’t see evidence of it right now… God was moving on my behalf… He was taking what the enemy meant for evil and He was going to somehow, someway, use it for good. I had no choice but to believe that… I had to hold onto the hope that better days were coming, that a victory was on the horizon, because I could no longer live with the anguish of thinking anything else.

    I slowly started leaning in to the things that I know make my soul happy… my daily quiet time with Jesus, serving my family, slowing down and not letting the busyness of our life dictate every detail of my day. It’s helping. For the first time since September 2^nd – I felt true peace last week. I woke up one day, and the worry and anxiety was gone. I try to savor each morning I wake up with that peace in place of panic. I know my struggle and this journey isn’t over. Honestly, nothing about our situation or circumstances has changed to make me ‘feel better’ about it… but GOD… I wish I could say I have fully surrendered – I haven’t. I’m trying.

    Hard! Yes, life is hard. Being a Christian does not magically make the ‘bad’ of this world disappear. In fact – as a Christian, our walk is often harder than that of the non-believer. We wake up each day fighting an adversary that is determined to kill, steal from and destroy us. But as I’m learning… we also get the choice each day to fight that battle alone… or to allow the creator of this universe, the ultimate victor, fight this battle with us. I know there are still hard, dark days ahead. But I’m not going to keep trying to walk this road and navigate these storms, alone. And you shouldn’t either. Thank God His mercies are new every morning. I’m praying for you today, friend. Whatever season you find yourself in… don’t weather it alone. Strip off those burdens, lay them at the feet of Jesus, and trust that His ways are higher than our ways. In the words of the praise and worship song that has been on repeat and carried me through many stormy nights… I don’t know how He’ll make a way… but I know He will… for you and for me. 

There’ll Be Another in the Fire...

The fire...I guess you could say I have been consumed by the fire for the past 2 years. And for a while...I was dead-set on fighting that fire, working diligently to put it out, by myself. I prayed, I read my Bible, I professed my beliefs, I warmed a pew...I checked all of the 'good Christian girl' boxes - and yet I was bound. Bound by fear and bound by pride. I wrestled with the Lord day after day, month after month and eventually year after year.

The breaking point came about 3 months ago. I had prayed, over and over, for a way out of one miserable situation after another. I was soul sick with worry and anxiety and frustration over this all-powerful, all-knowing God that had seemingly turned a deaf ear to my pleas. I stood in the shower, tears streaming down my face and screamed at the top of my lungs "Where are You!!? Why aren't you doing anything?! You said you would never forsake me...well where are You then?"

And as clear as day, God spoke to my spirit "This fire isn't for your destruction, it's for your refinement." All of a sudden it became very clear that these situations I was trying to pray my way out of, although painful and difficult, were for a purpose. They were meant to drive me back to the feet of Jesus, to strengthen my faith and heal my spirit.

I spent so much time trying to get out of the fire, that I failed to see that there was another in the fire with me.

For years - I have known that God has placed a calling on my life. I've spent time pursuing that calling and time denying that calling. I've made every excuse in the world for not acting on it. I've prioritized other things over it - even though everything within me longs to live it out. I've convinced myself I'm unworthy, undeserving and unqualified to take my place on that platform, and I've believed that. 2019 was a year of soul wrestling, spirit killing rebellion for me. I've found we can create our own desperate set of circumstances when we insist on living out our will instead of God's will. I've watched all year as each work of my hand resulted in one disaster after another, simply because I insisted on being the god of my own life. What I was professing with my lips - was not what I was living out in my life. I'd like to say I wasn't living in sin - but let's be real - not heeding God's calling, choosing my own will over His will is rebellion...it's sin, and it was destroying me from the inside out.

The past several months I found myself back in church consistently. And week after week, the praise team was singing one of the same songs over and over again. I nearly come undone every time it starts because I know - God is speaking to me. He's reminding me...there's another in fire. (Click the link below to listen. Seriously...stop what you're doing and listen.)

Another in the Fire - Hillsong United

Week after week I've been reminded...there's another in the fire. And week after week, prayer after prayer, tear after tear, God has been rebuilding and restoring what I worked so hard to undo over the years.

I started reading Priscilla Shirer's 'The Resolution for Women' last week...the chapter I read last night nearly brought me to my knees. After weeks of searching for answers, of seeking God's guidance, I found it in three verses, three verses that defeated each fear, attacked each lie of the enemy and answered each request I made.

"Not that we are sufficiently qualified in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency and qualifications come from God." - 2 Corinthians 3:5 AMP

No...me, Michelle Collins, in my own power am not qualified...but by God's grace I am. He has called me - insufficient me (and insufficient you) for a purpose that only I (and only you) can fulfill. He has equipped us with everything we need to achieve that purpose and we have the responsibility to not let that gift go wasted. Someone out there, somewhere, needs to hear the words that I bring. They need to hear the words that only you can speak.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own]; I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations" - Jeremiah 1:5 AMP

Before I made my grand appearance on April 6, 1983 - He knew me. He knew my purpose before I took my first breath. He appointed Me, He consecrated Me, He CHOSE ME!! When those fears or whispers of doubt creep in, I can hold onto the truth that He has called me for a purpose. When I start to question 'who am I to do this...' I can answer - He appointed me! And you, yes YOU - you too have been approved, chosen and appointed. Stop letting the voice of treason, the lies of the enemy, convince you otherwise.

"For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above - spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us]." - Ephesians 2:10 AMP 

No matter what kind of mess I've made of myself in the past, His grace and mercy are sufficient and I am His. No mess-up, no mistake can change that. God Himself created me as a work of art, to be used for good works. I am destined for a specific purpose and it's time I start living like it. It's time I actually started to believe it.

It's easy to convince ourselves otherwise - it's easy to relegate myself as worthless, hopeless, lost and messed up. But thankfully I am who HE says I am. And YOU are who HE says you are. You are chosen, not forsaken, You are a child of the King. 

In 2020 I'm purposing to live out my calling. I'm stepping out in faith and giving God my gifts and talents to be used for His glory. And I hope you'll join me, here in my little corner of the internet and walk this journey with me.

Backseat Sermons - The Beauty in the Back Roads

God really uses the strangest situations to speak right to us. The girls and I were on our way back from picking up lunch after church today, when Nevaeh straight up preached right to my heart with one comment. 

I am not a fan of interstate. I like back roads. Those who know me well, know I would rather take a scenic backroad to get somewhere over the monotony of interstate any day. So as we are driving one of those back roads home – here’s the conversation that went down:

Nevaeh: “Mama, do you take this road to work in the morning?”

 

Me: “Yes, most days.”

 

Nevaeh: “You like back roads don’t ya mama? They’re a lot prettier than interstate.”

 

Me: “Yeah. I like the scenery.”

 

Nevaeh: “Yeah. You get to see a lot more. I like it to. It’s almost like the pretty things are hidden. But you don’t get to see those things at all on interstate.”

 

Oh my! What a word!! When on the journey to the destination God has ordained for us – we often want to take the interstate route. The shortcut, straight through, easiest, fastest route there. But taking that route causes us to miss out on the beauty found on the back road, the hard path. The path with twists and turns and uncertainty. The path with hidden beauty, where it may take a little effort on our part to find the good stuff hidden.

 

The past 2 years of our life have been a drive down the back road. There have been hills we didn’t have the strength to climb. There have been more twists and turns than we would like to admit. There were times when I asked God “Are we there yet?” but oh the beauty we discovered along the way. We have joy in these trials because they have indeed produced perseverance. I am thankful for the strength our marriage has gained by taking these twists and turns together. I am thankful for the strengthened faith built by trusting the Lord when we couldn’t see where we were going.

 

Chris and I were just having a conversation the other day, about what a difference one year makes. Last year at this time – we were at one of our lowest points. But we were holding on to God with faith that He would stay true to His promises to us and see us through that storm and boy, did He ever. I could have never imagined we would be where we are today. What God has done for us over the past 2 years is nothing short of a miracle (that is a blog post for a different day.) But the wisdom we have gained, the blessings we have seen may not have been visible on the easy path.
 
So today I encourage you – if God has you on a tough road, have faith and look for the blessings all around you. They’re there!

 

When Heartache Hits...

This week has been a week of loss. We lost my grandmother, a dear friend lost a family member and the Christian blogging community lost a sweet, sold out to Jesus soul – that loss is still gripping me this morning.

Personally speaking – in the midst of my cries for peace and comfort have been shouts of “why” and “help me understand Lord.” Death is never easy…it’s a lighter blow when it comes at the end of lengthy, uphill health battle…but easier, NO. But when death comes unexpectedly – to a young mama of 4 kids or a teenager just starting to make their mark on this world – death becomes deeper. And if we’re not careful we’ll let that deep hurt seep in and become whispered lies of the enemy that our God is not faithful, our God is not good…or God is not an ever present help…

Yeah, the enemy likes to take times like this and use them to create a divide between us and the only One with the power to heal that deep hurt, to give peace in those moments of devastation – to bring about assurance where that doubt has sparked up.

Psalm 73:26 tells us:

“My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

No – my ‘self’…my carnal mind will not understand…grief can be a catalyst for doubt and fear and worry…and that’s why we desperately need to cry out to the Father during these times of heartache – because our strength will never be enough and our flesh will deceive us.

The Geneva Study Bible says ‘portion’ means “God is our whole sufficiency, and ONLY contentment”.

God is our ONLY contentment! When the storms of life arise and bad, unjustifiable things happen to good people – the world would have us blame God – but the Word shows us God is the only comforter that will suffice. He is our whole sufficiency – meaning nothing apart from Him will be enough to fill that void left by loss in our lives.

I’ve often heard that noting in life is certain…but death. It’s a morbid truth that still doesn’t make the sting of life lost any less painful. And believe me – questioning God’s motives or lack thereof, having doubt in the goodness of God, allowing our faith to slip in times of troubling circumstances only further delays the comfort and peace God longs to give us during these times.

But…I can promise (because I have been there this week) – crying out to God, letting God take all that pain and turn it into peace, is possible. He hasn’t equipped us to live this life alone – to carry these burdens by ourselves. He absolutely will allow us to go through things that we can NOT bear on our own – because it drives us back to where we belong…at the feet of Jesus, allowing Him to carry those burdens for us – and to give us strength to face each day that follows.

What do we do when devastating things happen? When heartache hits, when tragedy blindsides us; go to the Father. God tells us in Isaiah 41:10 He will “strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

And He will…He has given me comfort and strength this week – He has made grief and the pain of death more bearable…all I had to do was seek Him…and I found that our God IS faithful, our God IS good and our God IS a an ever-present help.