The fire...I guess you could say I have been consumed by the fire for the past 2 years. And for a while...I was dead-set on fighting that fire, working diligently to put it out, by myself. I prayed, I read my Bible, I professed my beliefs, I warmed a pew...I checked all of the 'good Christian girl' boxes - and yet I was bound. Bound by fear and bound by pride. I wrestled with the Lord day after day, month after month and eventually year after year.
The breaking point came about 3 months ago. I had prayed, over and over, for a way out of one miserable situation after another. I was soul sick with worry and anxiety and frustration over this all-powerful, all-knowing God that had seemingly turned a deaf ear to my pleas. I stood in the shower, tears streaming down my face and screamed at the top of my lungs "Where are You!!? Why aren't you doing anything?! You said you would never forsake me...well where are You then?"
And as clear as day, God spoke to my spirit "This fire isn't for your destruction, it's for your refinement." All of a sudden it became very clear that these situations I was trying to pray my way out of, although painful and difficult, were for a purpose. They were meant to drive me back to the feet of Jesus, to strengthen my faith and heal my spirit.
I spent so much time trying to get out of the fire, that I failed to see that there was another in the fire with me.
For years - I have known that God has placed a calling on my life. I've spent time pursuing that calling and time denying that calling. I've made every excuse in the world for not acting on it. I've prioritized other things over it - even though everything within me longs to live it out. I've convinced myself I'm unworthy, undeserving and unqualified to take my place on that platform, and I've believed that. 2019 was a year of soul wrestling, spirit killing rebellion for me. I've found we can create our own desperate set of circumstances when we insist on living out our will instead of God's will. I've watched all year as each work of my hand resulted in one disaster after another, simply because I insisted on being the god of my own life. What I was professing with my lips - was not what I was living out in my life. I'd like to say I wasn't living in sin - but let's be real - not heeding God's calling, choosing my own will over His will is rebellion...it's sin, and it was destroying me from the inside out.
The past several months I found myself back in church consistently. And week after week, the praise team was singing one of the same songs over and over again. I nearly come undone every time it starts because I know - God is speaking to me. He's reminding me...there's another in fire. (Click the link below to listen. Seriously...stop what you're doing and listen.)
Week after week I've been reminded...there's another in the fire. And week after week, prayer after prayer, tear after tear, God has been rebuilding and restoring what I worked so hard to undo over the years.
I started reading Priscilla Shirer's 'The Resolution for Women' last week...the chapter I read last night nearly brought me to my knees. After weeks of searching for answers, of seeking God's guidance, I found it in three verses, three verses that defeated each fear, attacked each lie of the enemy and answered each request I made.
"Not that we are sufficiently qualified in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency and qualifications come from God." - 2 Corinthians 3:5 AMP
No...me, Michelle Collins, in my own power am not qualified...but by God's grace I am. He has called me - insufficient me (and insufficient you) for a purpose that only I (and only you) can fulfill. He has equipped us with everything we need to achieve that purpose and we have the responsibility to not let that gift go wasted. Someone out there, somewhere, needs to hear the words that I bring. They need to hear the words that only you can speak.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [and approved of you as My chosen instrument], And before you were born I consecrated you [to Myself as My own]; I have appointed you as a prophet to the nations" - Jeremiah 1:5 AMP
Before I made my grand appearance on April 6, 1983 - He knew me. He knew my purpose before I took my first breath. He appointed Me, He consecrated Me, He CHOSE ME!! When those fears or whispers of doubt creep in, I can hold onto the truth that He has called me for a purpose. When I start to question 'who am I to do this...' I can answer - He appointed me! And you, yes YOU - you too have been approved, chosen and appointed. Stop letting the voice of treason, the lies of the enemy, convince you otherwise.
"For we are His workmanship [His own master work, a work of art], created in Christ Jesus [reborn from above - spiritually transformed, renewed, ready to be used] for good works, which God prepared [for us] beforehand [taking paths which He set], so that we would walk in them [living the good life which He prearranged and made ready for us]." - Ephesians 2:10 AMP
No matter what kind of mess I've made of myself in the past, His grace and mercy are sufficient and I am His. No mess-up, no mistake can change that. God Himself created me as a work of art, to be used for good works. I am destined for a specific purpose and it's time I start living like it. It's time I actually started to believe it.
It's easy to convince ourselves otherwise - it's easy to relegate myself as worthless, hopeless, lost and messed up. But thankfully I am who HE says I am. And YOU are who HE says you are. You are chosen, not forsaken, You are a child of the King.
In 2020 I'm purposing to live out my calling. I'm stepping out in faith and giving God my gifts and talents to be used for His glory. And I hope you'll join me, here in my little corner of the internet and walk this journey with me.
