I have a tendency to over-complicate things - to over analyze, the smallest, tiniest details. (My husband is screaming "Amen" somewhere, over that comment!). For the past few months I have struggled with my ministry, with my walk with God. Often times questioning the very voice of God - "I'm not worthy", "I don't have enough biblical knowledge", "Why me?"! I have spent more time in prayer and in God's word for the past 6 months, and somehow, still feel extremely disconnected from Him - from my life line.
It occurred to me today - or may I just actually slowed down enough to really LISTEN to what God was saying - either way, I am missing it. The big picture - I'm paying so much attention to the details, the minute background pieces, I am missing the big picture in its entirety. And I feel it, that faint, then stronger tug on my heart strings. That tugging that says, "Lay it down, be quite, sit still and listen."
I have spent time checking things off of my To-Do list - feeling that satisfaction that I did get everything done at the end of the day, but never really accomplishing much, at least not in the eternal sense.
Prayer...check
Devotion time...check
Household duties...check
And the list goes.on.and.on.
But I don't feel full, yes, somewhat content that my list is done - but never really "FULL"...
I am missing Him.
I have spent so much time and energy trying to the best wife, mother, friend and ME that I can be - when all I really long for is the best I can be in Him. I pray the words - fast, I read the Word, turn the page, but it never takes root. It stays on the surface for a moment but never plants into my soul. I'm starving - I'm starving for Him. I have ritual - but no relationship.
So...in an effort to uncomplicate my life, to get my fill - I am sitting still. I am praying in the quiet times, listening with my heart. Waiting for His voice. Reading His words, drinking in His spirit, letting it resonate within me.
Yes - I need less of me, less of this STUFF and more of Him.
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